..... new year, new me bullshit .....

I know everyone is on that "new year, new me bullshit."  I do it every single year.... 

I am going to learn Spanish this year....

I am going to lose 15 pounds....

I am going to read 3 new books this year ....

 I am going to save more money ....

blah blah blah blah .....

My little brother even called me out on in when I tried to say that I wanted to eat better, drop soda, get my bikini body on.  He laughed hysterically and asked me how long it would last. Dick.  I couldn't even blame him, that ass face. He is right.... How long will I keep up with the same goals I set for myself every year?

I mean seriously, I change my diet every January, I download millions of books on my Kindle, I actually use my savings account, and I even bought Rosetta Stone like 3 years ago.  The effort is there, but the finish line is just so damn far in the end! 

 

I get like halfway, or do it for half the time, and by summer time, every thing goes out the window. Who fuckin works out in the summer? We drink in the summer. Who reads? There is no more book club! Spanish? Google translate that bitch. Save money? More like Amazon shopping.

I hate the feeling of not completing things, but perhaps subconsciously I don't want these goals as bad as I think? No shut the eff up, I do. I mean really, if they mattered to me that much, I should be able to get this done right?!? I don't want to be a cliche´.... and I don't want to keep making the same goals every year. But I swear I am determined to make something happen this year.  I have a whole new path ahead of me (hello, new mom).  

Although, I am not trying to redefine myself either. I don't set these goals because I am unhappy with myself in anyway...  I guess overall, I just generally want to be a better self every year.  

New year, BETTER me.

Yes, exactly, that is what I want. I want to be a better me every year.... and not just for me, but now for baby girl as well. So she knows I could get things done, so she knows i am capable of completing things I say I am going to do.

Every little bit counts. 

Water only. Rosetta Stone three times a week. Cook often. Food prep. Baby food prep. New job.

Better me.

...new traditions....

As much as I try, I am far from an emotional person. I have vowed to be a shower crier and I stick by that method 100%. Ask Karen.

Rational and logic are all that usually compute when it comes to my feelings.

I know for a fact that this is a trait my father bestowed upon me.  That is why whenever I feel the slightest bit of emotion, I know how important the subject is to me.

With this being said, it is with a heavy heart that I mention that this is the first year in 10 years that my family will not be holding our annual New Years party. It is unfortunate that I will finally have to come to terms with the fact that my family is now split into two. And not two, like my side and my boyfriend's side... two like with mom or with dad.

Yes, I am 27 and my parents splitting still puts a dent in my life. These last few months of holidays have been one some of the toughest.

Thanksgiving this year was the beginning of me coming to terms, but I sort have lucked out because it was two stops as usual. A stop with my family (which is now basically my dad's side), and a stop at my bf ' s side (which I conveniently included my mom and brother). This made Thanksgiving weird but not too out of control.

Christmas became slightly more complicated because I had to bounce back and forth between families in order to keep everyone sane. The only thing that kept me together was having my last stop be at my house like all the years before. I had almost all the usual guests, my extended family, crowding my mom's kitchen, being loud and obnoxious, eating mom's food, taking shots, and posing for mom's pictures. 

Pretty normal besides the missing family and of course the new baby... but at least I ended the night with laughter and family love like all of my holidays end.

New years eve is the day I can honestly say I have been dreading. I'm going to have to realize that I can fabricate the holidays to come all I want, but the reality of no party on New Years Eve will shed light on the new holiday traditions to come. 

There will be no more party at "Rosie's parents' house."

There will be no themed event.

We won't have our annual Family of 4 photo.

No drinking games and mom's cookies.

No party hats and endless confetti.

No random guests who Clover will try to bite.

No more ringing in the New Year with friends I have been doing it with for a decade.

It is heartbreaking to see the domino effect run its course.  And honestly, there isn't anything rational or logical for me to feel.

I don't mean to sound incredibly emo. I just don't think I have officially accepted the fact that Wednesday won't include my house, my family, and my friends. I know that all this can mean is that I need to step my game up and get a house sooner so that I can just host the party myself... but I am not going to lie when I say it kills me to know that such a beautiful tradition has been destroyed.

I will point out that this is the first year out of 9 that I will be able to kiss my love at midnight... so I guess in the end, all things happen for a reason.

Here's to new traditions and taking the good with the bad.

Because without the bad, you wouldn't be able to define what is good.