Me time, you time, work time, who time...

First day back to work, and surprisingly, I was more anxious than I was just thinking about it.  You know, usually you are anxious and then once you get there, everything falls in to place and you are no longer worried?

No. Not for me. Not at all. 

To be fair though, I was all on that triple grande this morning. I haven't had that much expresso in one sitting since before I was pregnant. That had to add to the anxiety. That and it probably does not help that leaving my 5 month old at home is just the first thing on my list of eight hundred and one things Rosie should be thinking about. 

As my foot tapped and my eyes flashed back and forth to my phone screen, the girl training me is basically telling me the position requires me to run the entire school. I will be in charge of all children, enrolling them in classes, making their schedules, ordering their books, their accounting, and communication with their parents. I will be in charge of all teachers, cataloging all classes they can teach, setting their schedules, monitoring their absent students, monitoring their paper work, and ordering their materials.  I will also be the assistant for the director so I will maintain her schedule, set her appointments,  and basically handle all her administration work. NO BIG DEAL.

Foot taps faster. Eyes flash from phone screen to computer screen. Shuffle through Excel documents. Shuffle through paperwork. Here comes that mid day headache.

And all through the training I'm paying attention, but I catch myself drifiting to my real life personal agenda.....

Did he mix the breastmilk with formula? 

Does the baby miss me or am I just trippin?

Are all of my 10 year old's birthday party invites out?

... goodie bags, lumpia, outfits, guests, invites, hula skirts, cake....

Should I cut my hair? Baby Q just pulls it and it's all falling out anyway...

Crap, did I check back in with the Hula Dancers?

What the shit am I going to wear?

I forgot that at work, all the other real life shit has to be put on hold for at least 8 hours. That's a long time to put off all of the things you have to deal with after a long day of work. 

I don't know how my mom did it. Honestly. She owned her own business so I guess she got to mix business with personal life. That was conveinient.

  All I wanted to do was hug my baby, take a hot shower and eat a bowl of cereal when I got home. Not because I'm stressed or terrified of my position. Just because I wanted some fuckin cereal and some baby hugs. Cocoa Puffs and baby Q.  I guess with the last 5 months of prioritizing between what the baby's schedule will be to how much tummy time she gets, I got to neglect the me time, and work time. And now I need to add a very large amount of baby Q time. 

 Like I said, NO BIG DEAL.

Time to get back in the groove.

Don't worry new job, I'll own your ass. Let me just get my rythem back. And add that triple grande every morning just in case. Thanks.

..... new year, new me bullshit .....

I know everyone is on that "new year, new me bullshit."  I do it every single year.... 

I am going to learn Spanish this year....

I am going to lose 15 pounds....

I am going to read 3 new books this year ....

 I am going to save more money ....

blah blah blah blah .....

My little brother even called me out on in when I tried to say that I wanted to eat better, drop soda, get my bikini body on.  He laughed hysterically and asked me how long it would last. Dick.  I couldn't even blame him, that ass face. He is right.... How long will I keep up with the same goals I set for myself every year?

I mean seriously, I change my diet every January, I download millions of books on my Kindle, I actually use my savings account, and I even bought Rosetta Stone like 3 years ago.  The effort is there, but the finish line is just so damn far in the end! 

 

I get like halfway, or do it for half the time, and by summer time, every thing goes out the window. Who fuckin works out in the summer? We drink in the summer. Who reads? There is no more book club! Spanish? Google translate that bitch. Save money? More like Amazon shopping.

I hate the feeling of not completing things, but perhaps subconsciously I don't want these goals as bad as I think? No shut the eff up, I do. I mean really, if they mattered to me that much, I should be able to get this done right?!? I don't want to be a cliche´.... and I don't want to keep making the same goals every year. But I swear I am determined to make something happen this year.  I have a whole new path ahead of me (hello, new mom).  

Although, I am not trying to redefine myself either. I don't set these goals because I am unhappy with myself in anyway...  I guess overall, I just generally want to be a better self every year.  

New year, BETTER me.

Yes, exactly, that is what I want. I want to be a better me every year.... and not just for me, but now for baby girl as well. So she knows I could get things done, so she knows i am capable of completing things I say I am going to do.

Every little bit counts. 

Water only. Rosetta Stone three times a week. Cook often. Food prep. Baby food prep. New job.

Better me.

... a comeback in word vomit form ....

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king."

After yet another year, I am back.

Back in action. Back for good. Back because I need it.

And this time I want to make my writing a priority.  It never was a burden,  but I found that in the last two years, I often was worried that what I had to say might not be interesting enough... I finally came to the conclusion, that honestly, it doesn't matter.

Whether I'm interesting to you or not, I figure I will be flattered even if you decide to read this on the toilet.

Annoyingly,  my writing took a toll with school, and work, and real life being extra..... not boring.... just... extra real.  I guess 25 turned into the year I had to be more classy, prioritize, think long term, and actually think about building my life for the long run verses the meantime. And 26.... 26 was the year I got pregnant. I guess all around that last two years I wasted valuable blogging time thinking I was establishing priorities, when instead, I ended up creating a bigger priority than myself!

I'm so happy. 

Content. 

Blessed.

I must admit I am super unconventional as a mom, but hey, makes for an interesting outcome. I see it every time I laugh at my mom skills. Every time I'm lost in a mom task. Even when that stick gave me 2 lines. I knew it because after a whole 5 minutes of being pregnant,  I selfishly despised it lol. No, I am not ashamed. Growing humans is rough shit,  and at least when they arrive you have help.  It has its cute moments, like movements....But it has its horribly ugly moments way more ... and seriously, 40 weeks is no fuckin joke. Yet, the outcome is as everyone says. 
Priceless. Painless. Beautiful.

My blogs will be open for anything and everything as usual. No, I won't focus on just mom things.  Yes, I am ALL ABOUT  my kid like most moms. But this blog is for me, and as you all know...
I am not all mom. 

Cheers to my readers.
I'm back bitches. 

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.